on Movies...

I am a rabid movie fan. Seeing one or two good movies saves my day and keeps my worries away.
So when I mess up the next day, at the end of it I can think of how regal the movies I have seen were. It becomes not a relief but perhaps a filter on keeping only the good thoughts and letting go of the broken ones.
Seeing a movie is not merely a waste of time. It's a mending of negative emotions.

ON LOVE...

• Love is patient, kind, irrational, and heedless. It sees but does not recognize boundaries. It brings heaven, but is also purgatorial.
• Love surpasses all jewels, honors, successes. Its power is limitless. Too much of it won't kill you but can give you skeletons in the closet and mourn on addled pieces.
• Love makes you extremely happy today, and can make you die out of sadness tomorrow.
• Love is not close to perfection.

ESCAPE

ESCAPE.

It would feel pretty good if it could be possible.

I feel lost. Many times I try to resist this thought, but after some excessive carbohydrates, I realized that no amount of mind-stuffing activities can cure the thought.

I am exactly where I don't want to be; or I am where I am not supposed to be- just yet.

In fact, I don't understand why I am doing all of these when everything appear useless.

I can have triple of the salary I have been getting a year ago, but the feeling is the same. I still sigh at the end of the day for too much resistance; resistance of the thought that I do not like what I am doing.

I'm not sure if I call this a lazy attitude-but one thing is for sure, it's not what I want. What I want is something I have not discovered yet because I am stucked in here.

I wish a magic carpet would rescue me and make me feel a little less like a zombie.

I loved the Way He Lies

"On the first page of our story
The future seemed so bright
Then this thing turned out so evil
I don't know why I'm still surprised
Even angels have their wicked schemes
And you take that to new extremes
But you'll always be my hero
Even though you've lost your mind

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
But that's all right because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
But that's all right because I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie
Ohhh, I love the way you lie

So maybe I'm a masochist
I try to run but I don't wanna ever leave
Til the walls are goin' up
In smoke with all our memories"

The lyrics talked to me tonight.

I tasted the bitter truth of how illogical I have been. 

Trying to run yet never leaving...

I wish to go places. Perhaps get rid of this consequence I have put myself under.

Well, life goes on....

RECOVERY STAGE

Mind over Matter.
Today is my first day of freedom. I am stronger. Wiser.
The long years I consider both a blessing and a nightmare. I can't believe I was able to unchain myself.
I saw his kindness and his selfishness. Both I held on to for a WHILE.
But it's over.

The most essential life lessons are from experience.
Now I know how much I am worth.
I know what I am capable of doing, without an assistance from anyone but GOD.
I wish to share the wisdom I learned hard from experience, to girls who are at the same situation as I had been.

Anxiety still haunts me but the wound of letting go aches no more. I know I am close to HEALED.

It Seemed Just Right

If chance was a mistake, why was time in harmony?

If cupid made a crooked shoot, why did he let it be?

If secrets can injure, which spot did it bleed?

If hearts were captives, will they ever be freed?

 

If touch was peril, which spot was secure?

And if a kiss venom, which pill could have cured?

If yearning was crime, then how about hunger?

When trouble of mind is mended when it’s fonder

 

If desires were throes, then what is to live?

And if a wish heroin, can a tonic moderate?

If delight is larceny, which sentiment is a bail?

If absence is relief, why does it make us frail?

 

If you and I were not suppose to be here- why do all good things dwell-like it risked the past and the future-for US to exist.

Uncertain

"You wouldn't notice something is missing, unless somebody comes along and fills your cup"

This tagalog movie line slapped me in the face. I also knew it's true. But hearin' it from somebody else is more bothering.

Today's prayer was of a chance to do things right.

I am hoping things will be ok soon.

Capture to Express Not to Impress

"Perfect shots almost make me believe that the celebrity is indeed enchanting. But it never convinced me that he/she uses the same product advertised. Behind the cheerful smile of Kris Aquino in her pasta commercial is a good pay. And so are the rest."

I dream to have the hobby photography. I am a fan of how photographs keeps the smiles, friendship, love, and fun in different scenes.

On a training on photo journalism I attended years ago, I have learned that the most beautiful pictures are those that are taken naturally. I mean, those which subjects project the natural scene. Children chasing each other on a patintero game, students on a rush at the canteen on recess, butterfly landing on a flower, etc.

Indeed these kind of pictures possess not only the wonder of its subject, but lets the viewer feel the joy, sorrow, serenity,love as the subjects feel as the picture is captured.

I believe the most beautiful pictures are unplanned. They are those who touches the heart, and relates to the emotions.

What annoys me is the current trend of picture taking, "Say Cheese", "Profile Pic" "Moment". Pictures choreographed for the sake of posting them into social networking sites and letting the world know-"Hey! we are having fun", "Hey! What good friendship we have", "Hey! I got this fantastic experience".

These type of pictures does not impress me at all. It annoys me to the bones.

Quite ironic how I have to go with the flow at times. I pose at pictures with some friends, whom I know poses are choreographed-all for the sake of pakikisama.

 None of these gave me real cheer. In fact, it gave me that pretentious feeling-a little shame in the bucket.

There are a very few pose pictures which contains emotions. The rest are choreographed. In this case, pictures at times may have kept the location and time, but not the memories. One may have 5thousand pictures, but maybe just a hundred are captured for real.

How social media has changed the value of pictures is a sad thing, really.

Friendship Has Changed Through Time

"KATNISS: " How do you make people like you?"
CINNA: "You don't. You simply have to be yourself.
Haymitch: "All they want is a good show."

The above lines is my fb status tonight. It is what is in my thoughts and in my heart. Another colleague uttered today, "Share it with your friends". "I don't have friends.", I responded in a joke. But I believe jokes are always half- meant. In my case, it's true.

During my elementary years, I had a bestfriend. Her name was Jennifer. We were classmates I think since grade 1. Then on the fourth grade, I remember ow I became friends with other class mates. Eventually, she was lost on the scene- for reasons I can't identify. We used to be so close. We were like sisters. We make every day a present day as we exchange things we personally have like head band, pencil, paper, hair clip, comb, hanky. When I remember how we wrap each in a piece of paper and write the dedication "To My Bestfriend- I Love You"- that childish thought got me teary eyed. When I remember the friendship we had- it was the most beautiful;the happiest. Perhaps our friendship was bonded by those little give and takes of "fancy gifts" we hand each other. It's sad how it was changed by time and distance. I am to be blamed partly-I put the other half of the blame on her. When I remember-I still smile and admire that friendship.

 During fourth grade until grade 6, I was a friend to a group of classmates. Each one of them very nice to me. I remember how friends get jealous that time. We use to have petty fights over whose attention was won by whom. It was very different from the first friendship I have known. It was fun, and at the same time- it was  competition of who impresses whom; who joins who for recess, who becomes an ally of who in tingganyuhanay; who cares for who when a project seems not to beat the deadline. It was like that. The group I was with were Hernalyn, Rose Ann, Ma. Luz. I missed them all. Our friendship was fun and exciting! I still remember how it feels when I get to be with them every day.

My high school life drew me into a school a little far from Pulupandan, setting my friends aside as I become busy with school works. I met a best friend during my first year. We clicked for petty reasons; we both laugh at very mild jokes; we love reviewing, especially days before the exam; we both have secret crushes; we love to eat; we sing; There was a time we even joined "lagsanay". We were happy. And there was nothing of how I felt that I kept secret to her. We share even the most weird of how we are-and we simply understood.
We walk in the corridors holding hands-pretty odd.

So my heart lamented when she left  for a change of residence during our 4th year. I could'nt find a single buddy. And so involved myself in friendship with a group of kind and witty friends. The SHEMAP, Avon, Jiff Mark, Jinggoy, Jarbie,etc. Mga kalog, pero matitino-nag-aaral din:) And so I recovered the distance from a bestfriend through these friends. They never left me alone. I was never solo flight on any thing. One of them would always be there. It was a happy feeling na makipagkulitan at makipagharutan kahit sa mga bagay na akala mo walang kwenta. Asaran na walang kwenta na nauuwi sa tawa (Jinggoy) I was so blessed and lucky.

When I went to College, I had Shela and Robele as my closest friends. We had identical preferences. Which karinderya to eat; Which tambayan to chit-chat; Which class mate/school mate to talk about; We all loved to review and study; and I guess all grade conscious?.:) We were happy.  The joys they brought me remained in the heart. Not so much of the give and take. Kasi pare-pareho ng trip. In the same manner, walang mga boyfriend:)

So friendship sprouted-it was not created. Friends come as a hug from God. Too much effort is not required. If true friends are around, the laughter simply bursts, topics come up in a sudden. Receiving and Giving are never thought of as responsibilities -but done out of the magic of friendship.Friendship is magical-it's coincidence.It simply happens.

Today, it is sad that I don't see a spark of friendship around. Might have been due to the influence of social media to the minds of people. Friendship has lost its magic. It was replaced by social responsibility. If you impressed me, you are my friend. Tomorrow if you fail me- look for another companion.

Heartbreaking.


The common denominator of friendship is gone. Parang wala yatang kapareho ko dito. The enormous adjustment is just unbelievable. Too much social obligation; you do this; you be here; you hang out with us; you stay. It use to be ill do this; ill hang out; ill stay; let's chat.

Walang spark. I never felt that I jived with the group I am with now. The magic of friendship is missing. Or perhaps, I'd have to dance with the changes of time.

Regardless, I will not change myself for friendship to happen. I still believe it will be magical, when the right people come.


MaJessT

A Poem that Calls for Diversity of Analysis

In my opinion, the poem "I Vialed the Universe" is a perfect subject for a reader-response interpretation.
I find it one of the most beautiful in AfroAsian literature

I vialed the universe
And laughed at the concentrated Gods.
But the Genie escaped with His halo of riddles.
I pondered anew and unslept.
Thoughts were strange with the strangeness of new towns.
Thoughts were as vast as the unvialed God.
I could not bottle or battle Him.
There: I saw Him mark in the matutinal mist
I surrendered.

Leoncio P. Deriada

Making Friends

"Most people find me lackluster. And I can understand why they seem too distant. I do not feel the connection either."

I pondered what is wrong. Everytime people draw closer to me, I drive them off unconsciously. Maybe it is my attitude towards relationships that does not make friendship work. I don't see relationships as long term. In fact, I have always had short term ones.

Just what is going on inside of me that makes me suck up recurring lonesomeness?

I read a student's post a week ago saying, "Kahit kaibigan wala talaga,jusko!" I bit my lip and didn't read twice. I knew it was a deliberate placement for me. Most of the time, they see me alone. I may have a colleague accompany me walking in the corridor for a short while, eventually disappearing on scene after a few moment, with reasons I don't know. 

I contemplated on what is wrong with me. I am not good at making friends. The truth is, I had not been to this situation before. Or maybe, I just noticed it now.

It is disdainful, but also humble to say that I know what my mistakes are-but unaware of where they come from.

I am a frequent gloom in the group. Acts with the so-called obscured nature. I seldom smile. When I do, I pretend but lacks cheer.

I am pessimistic. I utter side comments most of the time. That is when I find the system illogical. My brain nerves just simply protest.

I often cannot pay attention to stories for a long time. Especially when I find the stories irrelevent and gross. I simply act uninterested. I do my own stuff while my being dissents the groups laughter which I call "noise", --"unhealthy".

When I don't feel good of what I'm wearing, I'd most probably stay in one corner and find stuffs to be busy with. I hate mingling with the group.

When people treats me as a close friend- I always find it with magic sugar. Sweet yet unreal. Maybe because they treat all other people in the group differently. The treatment I get always seem mediocre, if not fake.

I forget names so easily, after taking effort to remember them. Most of my students just grin when I pause with open palm towards them.

They say, Love begets love. Respect begets respect. Care begets care. If I am unable to share the same, maybe I have not gotten one-or I should pay more attention to things I receive.

These uninteresting characteristics might have rooted from somewhere. I'd like to draw conclusions but I don't think self-psychology works this time. Whatever it is, that created a being I no longer want to be friends with- it doesn't matter. What matters is how I recover away from these dull behaviors. Perhaps, I can be happier.

So, wanting a character metamorphosis, I pledge on doing things contrary to the usual. I call it my " Ten Commandments to Being Wanted"

1. Call people by name and greet them more often. Give compliments when worth complimenting.
2. Smile and laugh more often.
3. Zip any side comments, write it rather.
4. Treat people as friends. See their good side.
5. Do not complain. Every situation is a challenge-take it.
6. Listen to people. It's a way to connect to them.
7. Be a little more energetic, express your opinion more often, but void the negative ones.
8. Spend time with people.Get to know them.
9. Thank people. Let them know you appreciate them. Keep in touch with them.
10. Look forward and work at your best.

These are just a few things I need to focus on. I am looking forward to be more sensitive on my actions.

I may not be good at making friends. What is clear though is "What I need is self improvement, it is plainly different from seeking approval"