22nd

For the past three months, I've had a chance to gaze at a possible lifetime partner. I liked his personality when he smartly approached me as a stranger.
We agreed to meet for dinner and know each other more. It was not a very comfortable date. The place was, but how he seemed to observe every little ways of how I am just made me uncomfortable.

The first date wasn't too bad at all if not for the situation after that. He lost interest chatting. It was a slap on my face and I was challenged to know the reason.
Weeks after I initiated chatting with him again. He responded pretty well and the next days we started dating again.
I asked him of the question I have rooted for an answer, "What happened? You were gone after our first date."
He brushed off the question and said, "Let's not talk about it."
My whole being protested for not getting an answer but I was polite enough to accept that the question was set aside.
On the 29th of August, a magical night brought us closer and it felt as if all the indifference few weeks ago were all forgotten. We never agreed on being ON but time and situation did.
I was happy. It seemed he was, too.
Date after date I was in love with the person he is even more. And I felt he liked me too. He's a man I can see myself building a family and growing old with.
Days were fast. And everyday I was wishing we get more comfortable. But it went the other way.

He became cold. Until none of the magic I felt at first was left. I was thinking it
was because I was struggling with career. But not certain. He's always thrifty at words.
I tried to hold on longer but a day came when the cold just froze my heart. It stopped feeling anything. I was unhappy. And so he was.

Then a day came when I made a ridiculous mistake that totally banished any affection (if he really felt it).

I'd like to believe that he was once upon a time. But I never knew if he ever loved me. Maybe the whole time I was just convincing myself that I was loved.

Just a thought of what might be in the future if we ever held on to the feeling of love. I still remember him often. But he will never try to have me back I know. Time will make me forget the regret.

Wishing him a happy birthday and a lucky year.

A BLISSFUL SOLITUDE

New beginnings are usually disguised as painful endings.
How reassuring it is to trust that such disguise will put an end to self-disappointment. How comforting it is to realize that the decent face of beginnings offers peace of mind.

Indeed, it is this novel beginning that should give an impulse to start climbing the ladder again- one careful step at time. Just like how a child gets up when he tumbles down, wanting to walk farther.

How beautiful it is if beginnings don't really bring pain. But it does.

I have been in an unstable state of career for almost a year now. I know, not a good timing for someone like me who has to be minded of the running time. I do not have a miserable state-but I am in this pace of my life when everything just seem to stop working for me.
It feels like I am standing on the same ground at a busy street. And I wanted to keep going but I have no clear vision of a destination. My only option is to be still.
And so I was still. I was typing this post and as I realize my state, I broke down into tears and felt very weak. I immediately uttered this line like some divine power whispered it to me, “I am still. I know you are God”. I covered my face with my hands as if I am ashamed of being so helpless. I few minutes after, I felt better.
So I searched it on Google and found a very comforting scripture.

This psalm encourages us to hope and trust in God, and his power, and providence, and gracious presence with his church in the worst of times, and directs us to give him the glory of what he has done for us and what he will do. 

I just felt that my anxiety has become lighter. Perhaps I should trust HIM more and put HIS NAME above all else.  At least a brighter light for today. 

Calmed.