Making Friends

"Most people find me lackluster. And I can understand why they seem too distant. I do not feel the connection either."

I pondered what is wrong. Everytime people draw closer to me, I drive them off unconsciously. Maybe it is my attitude towards relationships that does not make friendship work. I don't see relationships as long term. In fact, I have always had short term ones.

Just what is going on inside of me that makes me suck up recurring lonesomeness?

I read a student's post a week ago saying, "Kahit kaibigan wala talaga,jusko!" I bit my lip and didn't read twice. I knew it was a deliberate placement for me. Most of the time, they see me alone. I may have a colleague accompany me walking in the corridor for a short while, eventually disappearing on scene after a few moment, with reasons I don't know. 

I contemplated on what is wrong with me. I am not good at making friends. The truth is, I had not been to this situation before. Or maybe, I just noticed it now.

It is disdainful, but also humble to say that I know what my mistakes are-but unaware of where they come from.

I am a frequent gloom in the group. Acts with the so-called obscured nature. I seldom smile. When I do, I pretend but lacks cheer.

I am pessimistic. I utter side comments most of the time. That is when I find the system illogical. My brain nerves just simply protest.

I often cannot pay attention to stories for a long time. Especially when I find the stories irrelevent and gross. I simply act uninterested. I do my own stuff while my being dissents the groups laughter which I call "noise", --"unhealthy".

When I don't feel good of what I'm wearing, I'd most probably stay in one corner and find stuffs to be busy with. I hate mingling with the group.

When people treats me as a close friend- I always find it with magic sugar. Sweet yet unreal. Maybe because they treat all other people in the group differently. The treatment I get always seem mediocre, if not fake.

I forget names so easily, after taking effort to remember them. Most of my students just grin when I pause with open palm towards them.

They say, Love begets love. Respect begets respect. Care begets care. If I am unable to share the same, maybe I have not gotten one-or I should pay more attention to things I receive.

These uninteresting characteristics might have rooted from somewhere. I'd like to draw conclusions but I don't think self-psychology works this time. Whatever it is, that created a being I no longer want to be friends with- it doesn't matter. What matters is how I recover away from these dull behaviors. Perhaps, I can be happier.

So, wanting a character metamorphosis, I pledge on doing things contrary to the usual. I call it my " Ten Commandments to Being Wanted"

1. Call people by name and greet them more often. Give compliments when worth complimenting.
2. Smile and laugh more often.
3. Zip any side comments, write it rather.
4. Treat people as friends. See their good side.
5. Do not complain. Every situation is a challenge-take it.
6. Listen to people. It's a way to connect to them.
7. Be a little more energetic, express your opinion more often, but void the negative ones.
8. Spend time with people.Get to know them.
9. Thank people. Let them know you appreciate them. Keep in touch with them.
10. Look forward and work at your best.

These are just a few things I need to focus on. I am looking forward to be more sensitive on my actions.

I may not be good at making friends. What is clear though is "What I need is self improvement, it is plainly different from seeking approval"