It's a once in a blue moon early morning that I wake up hours before the alarm. I wrapped myself in two blankets and tried to get back to sleep.
Instead, I remember him.
He wrote a week back asking for a possible meet up at his place. I wanted to. But I was afraid to get back to that feeling we had on our last day. It was disturbing, painful and shameful. I wasn't ready for it and I don't think I ever will.
Thoughts of him lingered in my head longer despite of my struggle to fall back asleep.
Random thoughts of us and our brief time. Not the sweetest, but the only real thing I ever had after a while.
And then---
the ugliest memory of a morning. Feels like a dagger is left in the heart since then. I just wish to erase that morning in my memory.
In tears...
I finally stopped sobbing and lost consciousness. I had a short trip with him in my dream. It wasn't certain where we were going, but I remember the feeling as I curdled against his chest the whole time. He held my hand and so I hugged him.What's weird was that there was a shower in the car. We were all wet so I asked him to drive me home.
I woke up with a warm blanket. Same familiar warmth back when I was next to him.
Sabado, Setyembre 12, 2015
Martes, Setyembre 8, 2015
THE FALLEN LEAF
On a honeyed midsummer, coincidently
You caught a glimpse of my sun kissed dew
Hanging on a twig on a leaf- dropping tree
Your calm clear water stopped by to see
Serene, you gazed at me with a knightly grin
I responded with a smile so enchantingly prim
“Tis a lucky morn’ to see a yellow stellar
Hanging on a twig,- the prettiest fella
I giggled and esteemed a sugary grace
Abruptly, you smiled with a chasing gaze
As the daylight danced with the clouds on a race
“What a lovely reflection I have on your face!”
Delightedly, you whispered, “I wish you were here
In my arms as you rest in my quiet bath.”
And I wavered with the breeze as I try to turn back
When my heart skipped a beat and bowed in your track
Thus I finally let go of my core from the sprig
My face was lovelier as it reserves from the fig
T’was a warmest embrace; pulled me like gravity
Running chills in my veins as your eyes look at me
You held my hand tight and tossed me on a waltz
And your chest next to mine as our hearts resound
Swayed with the wind, our cheeks were with glee
As I inhale your exhale with no space to flee
“I could only care less of where your waters flow
Sweep me across peaks as the zephyr blows
Kindle the hours with your myriad of fables
As you slow me down like a babe in your cradle.”
I sealed my eyes before we softly kissed
Every inch we were scarce of air to breathe
Your gentle ripples was my bridal crest
Hearts on cages cannot be suppressed
Twas nearly the brightest dawn I have seen
‘Til the wind blew me through the logs on your flank
As you watch another leaf on its twig drop away
You showed me no face conscious of betray
I gloomily watched the blurring of the earth
Colder wind braced me short of its mirth
And as more of your current draw me past beyond
I knew I was just another fallen leaf -- after all.
Linggo, Abril 19, 2015
An Awkward KISS
...and oh! he wasn't a prince. I almost remembered how I find him cute in the office. Except that night when he was roaming around with a glass of long island in his hand.
It wouldn't be too awkward if we were not office mates. But we are!
And the thing is, I get to see his serious face all the time.
No, he wasn't a frog at all. He has always been this mysterious looking guy who I never dare to meet eyes with in the office.
It was dark and the music turned everybody crazy. We both had a heavy head driven by alcohol. I don't quite remember how we ended up to a certain place together, hidden from everybody else.
He approached me, talked to me-and the moment after were not remembered until he grabbed me on the hand and I tripped to his lap and he nibbled his lips on mine- twice, trying to get a response. It was similar to a smack.
I remember pushing him away as I walk back to the crowd.
It was awkward
....and every moment after is even worse. I wanted to talk to him about it for the shame that he might mention about that night to someone. But the thought of whether he remembers it or not- makes me pause.
Well, he certainly wasn't a prince. So, I was kissed by a frog. And it's awkward.
- and yeah! I should be a more responsible drinker.
Shit happens. Geeezz.
It wouldn't be too awkward if we were not office mates. But we are!
And the thing is, I get to see his serious face all the time.
No, he wasn't a frog at all. He has always been this mysterious looking guy who I never dare to meet eyes with in the office.
It was dark and the music turned everybody crazy. We both had a heavy head driven by alcohol. I don't quite remember how we ended up to a certain place together, hidden from everybody else.
He approached me, talked to me-and the moment after were not remembered until he grabbed me on the hand and I tripped to his lap and he nibbled his lips on mine- twice, trying to get a response. It was similar to a smack.
I remember pushing him away as I walk back to the crowd.
....and every moment after is even worse. I wanted to talk to him about it for the shame that he might mention about that night to someone. But the thought of whether he remembers it or not- makes me pause.
Well, he certainly wasn't a prince. So, I was kissed by a frog. And it's awkward.
- and yeah! I should be a more responsible drinker.
Shit happens. Geeezz.
Lunes, Abril 13, 2015
I am Copper
Two days ago, I turned officially 29. I remember copper having the atomic
number 29.
So, for the sake of my in-denial stage of being on the last year of prefix 2, allow me to say-
I AM COPPER. <3
If I compare my being to the features of copper, I would relate to its colours: red and orange; red depicting strong will and passion, and orange representing warmth and happiness. I will be kind to myself and claim that I have been my strongest, warmest and happiest for the past nine years and counting- not only for myself, but mainly for the people I love.
Copper yields with other elements to form vintage ornaments, classic architectures, currencies, and even sophisticated accessories. Like copper, I yield for I know that I should (as I age) turn myself into something useful and productive; a teacher, a call center agent, a service crew, a guidance counselor, a personal assistant, a lover, a friend, a sister, a daughter. I have become my most resourceful self and have posed confidence to bring happiness to people dear to me.
Copper produces a brown-black copper oxide, which unlike rust, protects the underlying copper from extensive corrosion. This distinctive characteristic of copper, somehow represents the misunderstood me. People would easily judge my intention s and actions. They don’t see my motive of bringing love and warmth. In the end I stand up victorious, with my actions not needing explanation as the end justifies the mean.
I am neither gold nor silver. I am copper with my unique crystallites. I stand tall and confident and perform with pride. I am never defeated for I don’t compete.
Being copper made me sentimental of the months and years that passed, and all of the beautiful things I had during my twenties. I surprisingly thought of all the rain and sun I walked under.
I started to recount all the cheers of January; the leaves in waltz of February; the sun-kissed fields of March; the buds of April; the petals of May; the morning breeze of June, the dew drops of July; the rain showers of August; the soaked earth of September; the festivities of October; the serene afternoons of November; and the melodies of December. More so, it is bliss to grasp how each moment tried to remind of how special and loved I was and am.
I appreciated the splendor of the sweet little possessions I always have- family, friends, school, the neighborhood, my hometown and the priceless memories that come with them.
Ah! -- too much richness to be grateful for.
The journey continues. Like copper, I will endure being meek. I will persist to be strong-willed, with a faith bigger than my aspirations.
Contented,
herMaJessT
So, for the sake of my in-denial stage of being on the last year of prefix 2, allow me to say-
I AM COPPER. <3
If I compare my being to the features of copper, I would relate to its colours: red and orange; red depicting strong will and passion, and orange representing warmth and happiness. I will be kind to myself and claim that I have been my strongest, warmest and happiest for the past nine years and counting- not only for myself, but mainly for the people I love.
Copper yields with other elements to form vintage ornaments, classic architectures, currencies, and even sophisticated accessories. Like copper, I yield for I know that I should (as I age) turn myself into something useful and productive; a teacher, a call center agent, a service crew, a guidance counselor, a personal assistant, a lover, a friend, a sister, a daughter. I have become my most resourceful self and have posed confidence to bring happiness to people dear to me.
Copper produces a brown-black copper oxide, which unlike rust, protects the underlying copper from extensive corrosion. This distinctive characteristic of copper, somehow represents the misunderstood me. People would easily judge my intention s and actions. They don’t see my motive of bringing love and warmth. In the end I stand up victorious, with my actions not needing explanation as the end justifies the mean.
I am neither gold nor silver. I am copper with my unique crystallites. I stand tall and confident and perform with pride. I am never defeated for I don’t compete.
Being copper made me sentimental of the months and years that passed, and all of the beautiful things I had during my twenties. I surprisingly thought of all the rain and sun I walked under.
I started to recount all the cheers of January; the leaves in waltz of February; the sun-kissed fields of March; the buds of April; the petals of May; the morning breeze of June, the dew drops of July; the rain showers of August; the soaked earth of September; the festivities of October; the serene afternoons of November; and the melodies of December. More so, it is bliss to grasp how each moment tried to remind of how special and loved I was and am.
I appreciated the splendor of the sweet little possessions I always have- family, friends, school, the neighborhood, my hometown and the priceless memories that come with them.
Ah! -- too much richness to be grateful for.
The journey continues. Like copper, I will endure being meek. I will persist to be strong-willed, with a faith bigger than my aspirations.
Contented,
herMaJessT
Miyerkules, Abril 1, 2015
INAPPROPRIATE AFFINITY
There were two men who made me embrace this fling I would prefer to call "friendship".
I attribute my entanglement in this fling as a result of the feeling of gloominess. And yeah, my being impatient, too. It's like spoiling myself with sweets because it gives me happiness- setting aside the fact that I suffer from the extra calories afterwards.
Could have been simple if not of the impressive qualities of the guy I fling with. I love every little thing, and even those I do not like- I learn to appreciate. I would not say he is close to my standard--but he surmounts the level of hysteria I felt with my ex's.
It's his charismatic peculiarity that makes him appeal more to me. Being with him is feeling something for the first time. The only thing is, he fill my hours with what if's and could have-been's when he's not around. Something that sucks the cheer off of me.
I have played the game NOT FALLING IN LOVE a few times.
With this said, I am not a stranger to LEAVING and BEING LEFT. I would say I am the kind of person who puts mind over emotion.
Meanwhile, the getting accustomed to an easy come -easy go experience doesn't keep me safe from feeling empty and unloved. It also doesn't guarantee my heart not feeling anything just because my mind said it shouldn't.
With every intimacy I hold on to, I become used to not think of where things are heading. I enjoy the moment. Not thinking of tomorrows.
It's this feeling of knowing that somebody near shares the same affection as I do. that look in the eyes; the warmth of a caress on my back; the feeling of the air he breathes out on a nose to nose. the thrill of the stare; the chill of the touch.
The confidentiality of an unspoken intellectual agreement brings about so much words in between glances. The excitement of being just next to someone who I actually believe is attracted in the same way as I am in all of desire's entirety-- physically, emotionally, or even sexually.
The fact that our thoughts are both headed in the same direction, contains my empty soul with butterflies, and hopping kangaroos, and whatsoever.
It's a mistake and a decision that fills my empty cup with momentary joy.
Hoping to find someone like him. For real.
No regrets.
-herMajessT
Huwebes, Pebrero 26, 2015
ERIKSON'S PSYCHOSOCIAL THEORY: A SELF-ANALYSIS
I was
enthralled by the veracity of Erikson's Psychosocial Theory in my Educational
Psychology class in College.
Erikson's stages of psychosocial development, as articulated by Erik Erikson, is a psychoanalytic theory which identifies eight stages through which a healthily developing human should pass from infancy to late adulthood. In each stage, the person confronts, and hopefully masters, new challenges. Each stage builds upon the successful completion of earlier stages. The challenges of stages not successfully completed may be expected to reappear as problems in the future.
I am not a psychologist (though being one is something I fancy), neither am I adept in psychological or social scrutiny. This is for the purpose of self-introspection; the way I see myself from a rational standpoint. If you feel like skipping the long reading, scroll down and you will find the summarized part.
1. The first stage is called TRUST VS. MISTRUST (0-2 YEARS OLD)
Virtue: HOPE
This stage states that whether or not a child is taken cared of or abandoned, will leave him/her a feeling of either TRUSTING or MISTRUSTING during the latter years.
My Introspection:
When I was at this age, I was taken cared well by my dad. I may not have the memory of these years, but I have appreciated how my dad took care of my younger sisters. I'm pretty convinced that I was nourished, caressed, and paid attention to. Noble job, dad!
With this, I associate my ability to trust people easily. I often view people as reliable/truthful. It's a good thing as it leaves me feeling good, being able to chat to people and trust them effortlessly. I am astonished at how I even entrust sensitive matters to acquaintances. I freely share secrets and I feel good when I do. It usually turns out that people I trust don’t fail me. Disappointments due to this trusting behavior seldom occur. Oh well, I guess trust begets trust.
The virtue HOPE prevails more than being hopeless in most situations. If all else fails, I always find hope in myself. The lines Everything happens for a reason , Tomorrow is another day, and God's perfect timing are my hope lines. :) So, the question CAN I TRUST THE WORLD, has an answer of YES.
I find mistrust and hopelessness in some people; these are the ones who were abandoned/neglected during their crucial years. This leads me to understanding why suspicion and futility just seem to be so innate to some people. The most I can do is sympathize and understand.
2. The second stage is AUTONOMY VS. SHAME AND DOUBT (2-4 YEARS OLD)
Virtue: WILL
This phase instills the question, Is it ok to be me? Whether or not parents provide ample care and give liberty to the toddler me, leads to whether I progress as an autonomous or doubting individual at my latter years.
I nearly finished toddler stage when my younger sister, Swen, was born. Whether or not I was let to do things on my own (going to toilet, clothing myself) remains questions unanswered (Unless, maybe, if I ask my grandma).
So allow me to evaluate how I am now in connection to my toddler upbringing years. I’ll try to analyze by answering two questions.
· Do I feel ok to be me? More often, YES. I feel luckier, more competent compared to the majority of people at my age. I sometimes have a little insecurity, but I remain confident in believing that I can do better.
· Do I have the will to do things? More often, YES. I feel trying to do things than not. Even the challenge of new tasks don't scare me. I consider myself as somebody who can work and learn new things at my own independent pace.
With the above two, I am positive that my second stage was successful.
There is one loved one whom I empathize with, not succeeding on this stage.
My brother (elder) was three when I was born. This means he was on this stage (AUTONOMY VS. SHAME AND DOUBT ) when my parents’ attention was directed to me. Prior to my coming, I’m pretty sure he was spoiled with attention and love.
A logical though, explains why he cannot do things on his own. He must have been neglected during these years, hence developing shame and doubt, instead of autonomy. The effect is that he is frequently unwilling to do things for anxiety of failure.
3. The third stage is INITIATIVE VS. GUILT (4-5 YEARS OLD)
Virtue: PURPOSE
This stage is when one learns to explore things, do, move, and act. It mirrors whether someone will feel a sense of purpose in later years.
I have a memory of how I was at this age. I wrote on the walls. I play in the backyard. I talk to imaginary friends. I act as teacher to younger kids.
It was undeniably a rich experience as my family let me do things I desired to do. I recall how I claimed so much to be a teacher one day. Imagine, realizing my purpose at age 5.:)
So today, I am a teacher. The prophecy of this stage has come to life. I have stumbled into the purpose I realized as a kid.
Do I have initiative to do things? More often, YES. I am delighted with finding purpose in everything I do. I am proud to showcase my skill and I initiate change/something new. I am more confident at what I can do than what I can't.
My brother use to be beaten all the time when he runs around to discover things. This explains why he cannot find purpose in anything he does. He doesn’t have initiative to start things. The failure of how he was treated at these years must have bounced back to him badly.
I feel owe at people who can’t find purpose at what they are doing. The best I can do is be an encouragement to them, even in little ways.
So, there you go. The first three stages of my psychological and social development echoed positively. I am grateful for my family who made these years count, making me a well-brought up kid, and a clear-visioned adult.
FEELING LOGICAL. haha
Erikson's stages of psychosocial development, as articulated by Erik Erikson, is a psychoanalytic theory which identifies eight stages through which a healthily developing human should pass from infancy to late adulthood. In each stage, the person confronts, and hopefully masters, new challenges. Each stage builds upon the successful completion of earlier stages. The challenges of stages not successfully completed may be expected to reappear as problems in the future.
I am not a psychologist (though being one is something I fancy), neither am I adept in psychological or social scrutiny. This is for the purpose of self-introspection; the way I see myself from a rational standpoint. If you feel like skipping the long reading, scroll down and you will find the summarized part.
1. The first stage is called TRUST VS. MISTRUST (0-2 YEARS OLD)
Virtue: HOPE
This stage states that whether or not a child is taken cared of or abandoned, will leave him/her a feeling of either TRUSTING or MISTRUSTING during the latter years.
My Introspection:
When I was at this age, I was taken cared well by my dad. I may not have the memory of these years, but I have appreciated how my dad took care of my younger sisters. I'm pretty convinced that I was nourished, caressed, and paid attention to. Noble job, dad!
With this, I associate my ability to trust people easily. I often view people as reliable/truthful. It's a good thing as it leaves me feeling good, being able to chat to people and trust them effortlessly. I am astonished at how I even entrust sensitive matters to acquaintances. I freely share secrets and I feel good when I do. It usually turns out that people I trust don’t fail me. Disappointments due to this trusting behavior seldom occur. Oh well, I guess trust begets trust.
The virtue HOPE prevails more than being hopeless in most situations. If all else fails, I always find hope in myself. The lines Everything happens for a reason , Tomorrow is another day, and God's perfect timing are my hope lines. :) So, the question CAN I TRUST THE WORLD, has an answer of YES.
I find mistrust and hopelessness in some people; these are the ones who were abandoned/neglected during their crucial years. This leads me to understanding why suspicion and futility just seem to be so innate to some people. The most I can do is sympathize and understand.
2. The second stage is AUTONOMY VS. SHAME AND DOUBT (2-4 YEARS OLD)
Virtue: WILL
This phase instills the question, Is it ok to be me? Whether or not parents provide ample care and give liberty to the toddler me, leads to whether I progress as an autonomous or doubting individual at my latter years.
I nearly finished toddler stage when my younger sister, Swen, was born. Whether or not I was let to do things on my own (going to toilet, clothing myself) remains questions unanswered (Unless, maybe, if I ask my grandma).
So allow me to evaluate how I am now in connection to my toddler upbringing years. I’ll try to analyze by answering two questions.
· Do I feel ok to be me? More often, YES. I feel luckier, more competent compared to the majority of people at my age. I sometimes have a little insecurity, but I remain confident in believing that I can do better.
· Do I have the will to do things? More often, YES. I feel trying to do things than not. Even the challenge of new tasks don't scare me. I consider myself as somebody who can work and learn new things at my own independent pace.
With the above two, I am positive that my second stage was successful.
There is one loved one whom I empathize with, not succeeding on this stage.
My brother (elder) was three when I was born. This means he was on this stage (AUTONOMY VS. SHAME AND DOUBT ) when my parents’ attention was directed to me. Prior to my coming, I’m pretty sure he was spoiled with attention and love.
A logical though, explains why he cannot do things on his own. He must have been neglected during these years, hence developing shame and doubt, instead of autonomy. The effect is that he is frequently unwilling to do things for anxiety of failure.
3. The third stage is INITIATIVE VS. GUILT (4-5 YEARS OLD)
Virtue: PURPOSE
This stage is when one learns to explore things, do, move, and act. It mirrors whether someone will feel a sense of purpose in later years.
I have a memory of how I was at this age. I wrote on the walls. I play in the backyard. I talk to imaginary friends. I act as teacher to younger kids.
It was undeniably a rich experience as my family let me do things I desired to do. I recall how I claimed so much to be a teacher one day. Imagine, realizing my purpose at age 5.:)
So today, I am a teacher. The prophecy of this stage has come to life. I have stumbled into the purpose I realized as a kid.
Do I have initiative to do things? More often, YES. I am delighted with finding purpose in everything I do. I am proud to showcase my skill and I initiate change/something new. I am more confident at what I can do than what I can't.
My brother use to be beaten all the time when he runs around to discover things. This explains why he cannot find purpose in anything he does. He doesn’t have initiative to start things. The failure of how he was treated at these years must have bounced back to him badly.
I feel owe at people who can’t find purpose at what they are doing. The best I can do is be an encouragement to them, even in little ways.
So, there you go. The first three stages of my psychological and social development echoed positively. I am grateful for my family who made these years count, making me a well-brought up kid, and a clear-visioned adult.
FEELING LOGICAL. haha
Linggo, Pebrero 15, 2015
❤️😊👍
It's been a while. I am amazed at how this blog has been my companion in trying times of my life.👍
It's another year. My final year in the quarter-life crisis.
Whether I will overcome my feelings of inferiority in most things; whether or not I will make good or not so good choices; whether or not I remember or forget; are things I have placed in the hands of time.
My journey goes on as time does. I wonder if this year will run past me like the others. I just feel grateful of how the past year taught me the essence of waiting for His time. I have realized how not to be impatient and appreciate the stillness. I have known that preference of cheer over sadness is something of a mindset; that happiness is more of a choice and that nobody can make me happy except I decide to be happy.
This time, I just want to seize whatever moment I have and can create. I will build more friendships than potential relationships. I will rebuild my confidence by doing the best out of the situation. I will cast away any negative feeling towards anything.;)
Life seems shorter. I just want to enjoy it as it is.
Less drama. No more if only's. 😊😊😊
It's another year. My final year in the quarter-life crisis.
Whether I will overcome my feelings of inferiority in most things; whether or not I will make good or not so good choices; whether or not I remember or forget; are things I have placed in the hands of time.
My journey goes on as time does. I wonder if this year will run past me like the others. I just feel grateful of how the past year taught me the essence of waiting for His time. I have realized how not to be impatient and appreciate the stillness. I have known that preference of cheer over sadness is something of a mindset; that happiness is more of a choice and that nobody can make me happy except I decide to be happy.
This time, I just want to seize whatever moment I have and can create. I will build more friendships than potential relationships. I will rebuild my confidence by doing the best out of the situation. I will cast away any negative feeling towards anything.;)
Life seems shorter. I just want to enjoy it as it is.
Less drama. No more if only's. 😊😊😊
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