INAPPROPRIATE AFFINITY

        I stumbled into the term Pseudo-relationship from a nobody's blog. Pseudo relationship: fling, unofficial, make-believe. Whatever they may want to call it.
        There were two men who made me embrace this fling I would prefer to call "friendship".
      I attribute my entanglement in this fling as a result of the feeling of gloominess. And yeah, my being impatient, too. It's like spoiling myself with sweets because it gives me happiness- setting aside the fact that I suffer from the extra calories afterwards.
     Could have been simple if not of the impressive qualities of the guy I fling with. I love every little thing, and even those I do not like- I learn to appreciate. I would not say he is close to my standard--but he surmounts the level of hysteria I felt with my ex's.
      It's his charismatic peculiarity that makes him appeal more to me. Being with him is feeling something for the first time. The only thing is, he fill my hours with what if's and could have-been's when he's not around. Something that sucks the cheer off of me.
   
        I have played the game NOT FALLING IN LOVE a few times.

        With this said, I am not a stranger to LEAVING and BEING LEFT.  I would say I am the kind of person who puts mind over emotion.
       Meanwhile, the getting accustomed to an easy come -easy go experience doesn't keep me safe from feeling empty and unloved. It also doesn't guarantee my heart not feeling anything just because my mind said it shouldn't.
     With every intimacy I hold on to, I become used to not think of where things are heading. I enjoy the moment. Not thinking of tomorrows.
     It's this feeling of knowing that somebody near shares the same affection as I do. that look in the eyes; the warmth of a caress on my back; the feeling of the air he breathes out on a nose to nose. the thrill of the stare; the chill of the touch.
      The confidentiality of an unspoken intellectual agreement brings about so much words in between glances. The excitement of being just next to someone who I actually believe is attracted in the same way as I am in all of desire's entirety-- physically, emotionally, or even sexually.
      The fact that our thoughts are both headed in the same direction, contains my empty soul with butterflies, and hopping kangaroos, and whatsoever.

    It's a mistake and a decision that fills my empty cup with momentary joy.

    Hoping to find someone like him. For real.



No regrets.

-herMajessT